logging off, selena gomez

offline, for good (?)

I have deleted social media forever a dozen or so times in my life. I have deactivated on several other occasions, swearing I was logging off for the semester, the month, or the week. I permanently deleted my Instagram and Twitter a month ago after seeing my screen time (10 hours 44 minutes). Several other events had occurred leading up to my internet exodus. I received a text from my ex-boyfriend informing me that an anonymous account that had been harassing me for feet pics for the last 6 months sent him this DM:

Haunting, to say the least! I was also routinely receiving non-FDA-approved weight loss injection ads from the company Hers (fuck you, stick to anti-balding pills). The final straw was when my six-month-long situationship from last summer asked if I removed him from my close friend’s story. I am an adult! YOU ARE 32! Who gives an actual fuck. We know each other in real life, hypothetically. 

That night, I lay in bed with Instagram and Twitter behind my eyes and woke up feeling hungover. I was online until probably 3 or 4 in the morning, which was routine when I felt lonely. I was behind in my schoolwork and did not seem to have enough time in my day. I had reached rock bottom at that nearly 11-hour screen time and, once again, announced to my loyal close friend’s story (sans ex-situationship) that I was logging off ONCE AND FOR ALL! But like Selena Gomez, I always come crawling back.

I quit cigarettes on the same day as I quit the internet. I should have chosen one but I do everything in extremes. In 2020, I quit cigarettes and it stuck for two years. I decided to quit sugar and carbs at the same time (my boyfriend at the time was orthorexic and I had the brain of a sponge). In a zoom session, mid 7-day juice cleanse, I told my therapist about all of my vices I was conquering. 

Didn’t you get sober a few months ago? One thing at a time, Ruby.

So I chose cigarettes. When I relapsed on alcohol during my Big Breakup, I picked them back up hard. I have tried to quit a few times since then, but this time I feel real about it. At least I think I do. 

Cigarettes had a deep chokehold on me, but nicotine is second in power to love. I want the people I care about to be proud of me. I want to become Dr. Ruby Henley and I want to pay all of my afterpay payments on time. I want to be a healthy person who will live a long life, but not long enough to see all of my friends die. I want to do all of the readings for my classes and also volunteer at a tutoring center and also have a job that I love and also go to AA four times a week and also cook all of my own meals and also go to yoga and also have a boyfriend and also go to the karaoke bar with my friends every Wednesday. Do you think there’s enough time to live a life like that? Where I can pray and meditate too? Maybe if my screen time went down, just a little bit.