I have deleted social media forever a dozen or so times in my life. I have deactivated on several other occasions, swearing I was logging off for the semester, the month, or the week. I permanently deleted my Instagram and Twitter a month ago after seeing my screen time (10 hours 44 minutes). Several other events had occurred leading up to my internet exodus. I received a text from my ex-boyfriend informing me that an anonymous account that had been harassing me for feet pics for the last 6 months sent him this DM:
Haunting, to say the least! I was also routinely receiving non-FDA-approved weight loss injection ads from the company Hers (fuck you, stick to anti-balding pills). The final straw was when my six-month-long situationship from last summer asked if I removed him from my close friend’s story. I am an adult! YOU ARE 32! Who gives an actual fuck. We know each other in real life, hypothetically.
That night, I lay in bed with Instagram and Twitter behind my eyes and woke up feeling hungover. I was online until probably 3 or 4 in the morning, which was routine when I felt lonely. I was behind in my schoolwork and did not seem to have enough time in my day. I had reached rock bottom at that nearly 11-hour screen time and, once again, announced to my loyal close friend’s story (sans ex-situationship) that I was logging off ONCE AND FOR ALL! But like Selena Gomez, I always come crawling back.
I quit cigarettes on the same day as I quit the internet. I should have chosen one but I do everything in extremes. In 2020, I quit cigarettes and it stuck for two years. I decided to quit sugar and carbs at the same time (my boyfriend at the time was orthorexic and I had the brain of a sponge). In a zoom session, mid 7-day juice cleanse, I told my therapist about all of my vices I was conquering.
Didn’t you get sober a few months ago? One thing at a time, Ruby.
So I chose cigarettes. When I relapsed on alcohol during my Big Breakup, I picked them back up hard. I have tried to quit a few times since then, but this time I feel real about it. At least I think I do.
Cigarettes had a deep chokehold on me, but nicotine is second in power to love. I want the people I care about to be proud of me. I want to become Dr. Ruby Henley and I want to pay all of my afterpay payments on time. I want to be a healthy person who will live a long life, but not long enough to see all of my friends die. I want to do all of the readings for my classes and also volunteer at a tutoring center and also have a job that I love and also go to AA four times a week and also cook all of my own meals and also go to yoga and also have a boyfriend and also go to the karaoke bar with my friends every Wednesday. Do you think there’s enough time to live a life like that? Where I can pray and meditate too? Maybe if my screen time went down, just a little bit.
I have gotttt to get offline. My life is flashing before my eyes in a blue light feed frenzied haze
Every "no" to your vices is a reason to be proud. Two years without cigarettes is a reason to he proud, but so is two days. Be kinder to yourself... when you get to that old age and you tally up how much of your long wonderful life you reclaimed ine "no" at a time, you'll be amazed at how much it adds up to. Chase the cumulative, not the constant and your goals will be a lot easier to achieve.